When Adult Children Let You Down: 5 actionable steps to a better relationship
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You’re sitting there at the table, drinking a cup of coffee, with the phone in sight. You’ve already checked it twice—yes, the ringer’s on, no, there aren’t any missed messages. It’s not that you’re expecting a full-blown surprise party, but a simple “Happy Birthday, Mum” doesn’t seem too much, does it?
It’s a bittersweet kind of day that plenty of parents of adult children know all too well. When adult children let you down, it can be so painful. You’ve put so much into raising them, and yet here you are, wondering what’s gone wrong.
Maybe it’s the forgotten birthdays, the phone calls that never come, or watching them choose a path in life that seems so far removed from the one you hoped they’d follow.
Parenting, especially when the children have flown the nest, often brings a reality check. The people we raise are not ours to control. They are, simply put, their own.
As painful as that is, it’s a reminder of what parenting is really about—preparing them to make their own way, even if that way feels like it takes them in a very different direction from the one you hoped.
Where did I go wrong?
As parents, it’s natural to feel responsible for how our children turn out.
We try to give them values. We model kindness. We try to help them avoid making the same mistakes we made or our parents made before us. But here’s the thing: we can teach, show, and hope, but we can’t live their lives for them.
So long as we keep saying “where did I go wrong”, we are telling ourselves the wrong story. This isn’t about us at all. It’s about them.
We set the example, we teach, we model and we help, but this isn’t about us, it’s about them. Even when it seems as directly related, as failing to celebrate our birthday, or come for Christmas, it really isn’t about you.
It is their choice what they do with the values, beliefs and attitudes that we offer them.
Remember: if they’re making their own choices, even ones you’d never make, you’ve done something right. Part of what makes them independent adults is that they’re out there, living on their terms.
What to do when Adult Children Let You Down
If you want to make peace with the distance or those little disappointments, here are a few ways to help maintain and maybe even strengthen your relationship with them:
5 tips for building a better bond with your adult children
- Keep the Communication Open, Light, and Low-Stakes. A quick text just to say, “Thinking of you” can go a long way. No hidden agenda—just letting them know you’re there.
- Take Interest Without Judging. They’re figuring things out, and even if their choices don’t make sense to you, showing interest helps them feel accepted. That’s a priceless gift. It can also become a reward to you, when they start to value that interest.
- Set Up a Casual Routine. Maybe a fortnightly phone call or a monthly catch-up? Find something that respects their schedule but gives you both a point of connection.
- Be Honest Without Blaming. If you miss them, let them know—but keep it about you. Try, “I miss our chats,” rather than “You never call.” It’s easier for them to respond when they don’t feel at fault.
- Make Time for Shared Experiences. Sometimes, just having fun together—be it a walk, a meal, or a silly movie night—does more for a relationship than any big conversation.
Sometimes communication can be difficult when adult chidren let you down.
Emotions run high, so understanding more about the hidden messages we sometimes unintentionally convey can help. I have an article on the Life Coach Directory that explores some of these.
Handling the Hard Feelings
When adult children drift or make different choices, you can feel rejected.
Whether or not it’s meant that way.
But rather than dwelling on what feels like a slight, invest in the things that fulfill you. Maybe take up that hobby you never had time for, or build closer connections with friends.
This is the time to remember, there’s so much more to you than just the title of “mum” or “dad.”
The Real Gift of Letting Go
At the end of the day, letting go isn’t just about loosening your grip on them—it’s about holding tight to the idea that you’ve raised them to be their own person.
So even if the road they’re on takes them far from where you pictured, know this. When adult children let you down their independence is a testament to your work as a parent. It’s not easy, but it’s a beautiful, bittersweet reward that shows you’ve done something right.
Value that freedom in them, and take a little of it back for yourself.
You may also find it helpful to read my article on thinking styles
Robert Sanders is highly experienced therapist and coach, supporting people in their present and helping them create their future. He specialises in anxiety, confidence and finding purpose. He has worked with CEOs, Authors, Musicians, Actors and entrepeneurs across the UK and the rest of the world.
