Being lonely: 4 easy actions that can help in the moment.
Being lonely is only to be expected in some circumstances. Take a job in a lighthouse, become a hermit, or move abroad and you’re going to experience loneliness.
Sometimes though, loneliness can take you completely unawares. As the adage says, ‘you can be lonely in a crowd’. You can be sitting on a train on the way to work and suddenly – inexplicably, feel that heaviness in your body. Or maybe it’s an alertness or a sense of waiting for something.
Table of Contents
Being lonely is a state
And sad too – right?
Yes, of course, being lonely is a sad experience, even a deeply painful one.
Loneliness in itself is a state of being. Connection with others is a basic human need and when there is a mismatch between the level of connection you need to have with others and the actual connection you are experiencing. Loneliness is a lack of something. You could compare it to the state of tiredness or dysregulation or hunger. It’s a signal that something needs attention in your body and mind.
Any of these states can also trigger an emotion. Hunger might trigger fear or anxiety; tiredness might trigger anger.
Being lonely is something that affects your whole system, and everybody experiences it sometimes. There is absolutely no reason to blame yourself if you feel lonely or to feel that you are weak in some way.
The effects of loneliness
Loneliness has a significant physical impact on us – to the extent that it is considered a serious public health concern.
When you are lonely you may feel physical symptoms such as tightness in the throat or chest. You may experience stomach pain or butterflies, and you may feel anxious. It’s a fight or flight response that can trigger a stress response in you body. It can disrupt your sleep and cause fatigue.
These feelings are natural. They are simply your body telling you there is a problem, and you need to do something about it.
It’s even thought that being lonely can make you feel colder.
When loneliness is prolonged all these things can lead to serious issues. Your immune system can be compromised, you can experience inflammation within your body and your heart is impacted.
Most worrying of all, for some is the risk of cognitive decline and chronic loneliness has been associated with Alzheimer’s disease.
You can’t just think it away
When you’re lonely, you may naturally resort to some strategies to overcome it and feel better.
Common ways people may deal with it are:
- Overthinking – for example you may decide that there is something wrong with you, or that people are saying bad things about you.
- Seeking Reassurance – you may tend to check in with the people you care about in an overly intense way.
- Distraction – you may revert to bad habits, to numb the discomfort, such as smoking or drinking
- Constant checking of messages or social media – you may have learned to seek that ‘dopamine’ hit that you get each time you get a response to a message or a like or comment on a Facebook post.
These are completely understandable strategies, but they don’t work very well for a state. These approaches are the equivalent of trying to talk yourself out of being hungry or pinching yourself to stay awake when you are tired.
Try these 4 low effort things instead.
If you are lonely in the short term, then these simple strategies may help.
- Have a predictable routine.
It helps to have a repeatable structure that you follow each day, particularly when you get up. Having this routine ensures that you can get a sense of normality each day. Once you’ve got going it can be easier to be positive and proactive. - Go to places where you can be present among other people without any pressure to socialize.
Being with people – hearing them talk, seeing them, being quietly present with them – can help to stabilize the state of loneliness. This isn’t about conscious connection. This is about fulfilling your need for connection at the unconscious level. You don’t have to talk to anyone or ask for anything. Just be. - Do things that make you feel more grounded.
Simple things like drinking a hot chocolate, listening to your favourite music, going for a walk, or meditating can help calm your nervous system. - Do normal things properly.
Whether you’re doing the washing up, cleaning the house, or going shopping, focus fully on the task in hand. Don’t skimp and don’t do it while thinking about something else entirely. Be mindful in the moment.
These low energy things may not overcome a long term state of loneliness, but they will help in the moment and give your system the opportunity to recover.
Loneliness isn’t meaning
When you experience loneliness, and particularly if it is something you have experienced frequently in life, you can begin to see it as a part of your ‘story’.
- ‘I’m a person who needs people.’
- ‘I’m not likeable.’
- ‘I’m boring’
- ‘I’m a social outcast’
- ‘I can’t do relationships.’
- ‘My life is going nowhere’.
The reality though is that a state doesn’t require a life story or an explanation.
Being lonely is a temporary state, not a permanent statement of existence. You don’t need to draw conclusions from it; you just need to deal with it.
Loneliness doesn’t define you, no matter how often or how deeply you experience it.
It doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or there is something wrong with you.
It doesn’t even necessarily require immediate action. You don’t have to immediately go out and join a club just because you feel lonely occasionally.
Sometimes you can simply sit through it and let it pass.
If you are experiencing chronic loneliness then don’t just try to cope with it on your own. Seek help.
Robert Sanders is highly experienced therapist and coach, supporting people in their present and helping them create their future. He specialises in anxiety, confidence and finding purpose. He has worked with CEOs, Authors, Musicians, Actors and entrepeneurs across the UK and the rest of the world.
